Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
