I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
