i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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