you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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