Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
