I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
