North Korea, Best Korea!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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