Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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