life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
