Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
