I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
