she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
