If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
