i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
