U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
