omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
