i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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