ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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