God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
