New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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