It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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