Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
