New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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