I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
