see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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