hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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