Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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