The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
