I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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