you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
