the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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