I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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