In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
