I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're a waste of cheezeits
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
