I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
