Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
