the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
