I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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