You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He shit in the fireplace
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
