??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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