I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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