You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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