Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
