What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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