i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
