By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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