I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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