i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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