I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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