I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
