Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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