I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
