He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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