I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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