There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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