So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
