Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
