My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
