so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
